The Master of Secrets Reveals

It's that time of the year again! Somewhere early January, packages start arriving across the world with over aged games and possible other turds sent to complete strangers. Yup, it's Secret Satan and this proud tradition started almost a decade ago at Fortress Ameritrash, now better known as There Will Be Games.

Of course the delays in delivery are all intented by Satan, including days waiting for neighbours to be home at the same time to finally get your hands on the stuff.

And then at last!

At last you hold the diminutive package in your hands and rip it open. Casting caution to the wind in case there might be anthrax in there. It seems not to actually be that bad....

And there's a message...

Well... you spot the fruitcake for me...

Guess these games will be added to my to do list for 2019. 

Milch und Gherkins is a famed game design by a secretive movie/board/computer games reviewer. I never understood that it was actually a composite game made out of two others! The genius had escaped me, but no more!

It will get an outing with friends and family, if only I can get hold off the rules....

I will seek a victim for some Cold War. How appropriate these days!

But my fear of the dark might prevent me from ever playing Nyctophobia. Perhaps some friends can hold my hand during the game, which is apparently played with sunglasses on...


Many thanks again to Satan for hitting me where it hurts!


The package I sent out seems to have arrived as well, but the receiver has not posted his ill gotten gains yet. Dommage!



Have a look at some previous Secret Satan gifts

And it don't stop!

Having cleaned up and dined, I returned to Satan's gifts, mulling the evil intentions by gifting me a euro game about hospital managament. So I lifted the top expecting cardboard and wooden blocks...

Mark my surprise as I peered inside and found not just that but infact a buttload of cool stuff!

Exhibit A:

1920s furniture: perfect for some Pulp or Lovecraftian roleplaying! Diederik, can we have another go at your campaign?

Exhibit B:

A game of doubt and dread. That certainly fits my current state of mind and the above gift!

Exhibit C:

A suspicious looking compact disc that triggered my interest. Will have a listen sometime later this evening (with the candles burning low and the Cramps on the stereo)

Exhibit D:

Spock's Socks that I'm wearing right now! Good fit! Satan knows these things

Exhibit E:

Some weird looking chap, I suspect of representing broccoli. I think I have a solution for that...

Exhibit F:

And the Quarantine game itself. Not a lot of stuff for such a big box, but for once I'm not complaining!

So many more thanks Satan!

Not sure what I've done to deserve to be heaped in gifts twice in a row. I guess I must have signed over my soul while accepting the terms of service on some piece of software...

So I Had Been Warned

So I had been warned: NO KNIVES! Obviously something precious and frail was inside...

But my years long experience with all things Satan has taught me caution, and my first reach into the box proved me correct

After removing a first layer of shiny filth there appeared a box. For some reason I grew even more cautious

And again I was rewarded with averting catastrophy!

The box had been boobytrapped! 

True to the manual, I wouldn't use a knife to remove the tripwire. That made my further venture more exciting and a bit more time consuming.

Satan had obviously been enjoying the packaging!

After I cleared several layers of glitter from the box, I found some familiar looking game cards.

Ah... Petropolis! A hint perhaps?

Still without a knife I assaulted the layers of tape with the only sharp weapon at my disposal

A gruesome struggle that left left me with the debris of war

As much as the spoils!

And a self portrait of Satan! This will end up above my bed and provide grizzly joy for years to come

So thank you Satan. So much joy and punishment for such an unfit minion! Please, hit me one more time!

Now, where did I leave the vacuum cleaner?

Secret Satan has arrived!

It's that time of the year again!

This may take a while....

Wow. Just wow

I told you two weeks ago, that my Secret Satan had been very kind and scarily knowledgeable about my wishes. The third package arrived a week ago, but since I wasn't home I had to pick it up at a post office. To which I only came around yesterday.

After all the goodness that had been my share already, I was surprised at the size of the package, although the weight was bearable.Arriving home I left it to unpack my groceries and the set upon the box with a knife.

The packing foam was familiar, but what it uncovered was frankly breathtaking. First, up popped an expansion for Blood Rage, so my thought was that the all-knowing Satan had picked up my interest in the game and wanted to tease me. Colour my surprise as more expansions followed, and finally, the basic game.

That had me stunned, because this was shaping up as no ordinary gift and I had no clue why Satan would have reason to reward me so richly.

Still unbelieving I tried to make sure that there was nothing else hidden in the box before I stashed it away. And colour my surprise several shades deeper as another package turned up, carrying Dungeon Crawl Classic RPG plus an extra adventure, as well as the rule book for Congo, a miniatures game by the same people that brought us Muskets & Tomahawks and Saga.

Satan is keenly aware of my interest in slavery and will have noticed when I expressed my doubts about playing a game with slave traders and which depicts the opening up of the Congo to the merciless exploitation of its people by the Belgian king Leopold as described in Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. I read the book last summer on the train to London, as Satan seems to recollect.

Also, I have recently been gifted with a copy from a German geographical magazine from 1872, with an account of Livingstone's research into the origins of the Nile. It has me salivating. Satan must be roaring with laughter putting this ethical dilemma before me.

And I hadn't even reach the bottom yet. Satan's final revenge. After all he goodness, there was this...

Yes, that is Knizia's Modern Art. A game which I revile and abhor. So much so that I had given it away having never played it. Okay, so I won a game recently; that doesn't make me like it! Apparently there's no getting rid of this steaming turd of a game. Perhaps giving it away is being too nice. Maybe stronger measures are called for...

There are no words to express my appreciation to Satan for going the length he did to spy on me to bring me such a generous package. I am absolutely overwhelmed by it.

Satan's been too good to me

Hard to figure out where to start on this one. Still stuck in a WTF feeling, to be honest. Because Satan has been scary this year. Very scary.

Now, I've been gifted by Satan before and the stuff's been good. Very good at times. But never has the Dark Lord come under my skin. Let's look at the list:

• I have been wearing my love for Lovecraftian horror on my sleave, so perhaps the Victorian Fantasy link is not the toughest to make.

• Similarly, I have made it very clear that I've written a book on the Waterloo campaign. So gifting me Lachouque's famous Anatomy of Glory looks a safe gift. Beautiful edition. But then again, how did Satan know I didn't have it already?

• The issue of the Journal of Military History on the War of 1812. If you read this blog, you might have noticed I have an interest in this period. Brilliant find and very useful for my future research on this period.

• The same with Sinews of War on US army logistics: somehow Satan must know that I have Thompson's Lifeblood of War, van Creveld's Supplying War and Lynn's Feeding Mars on my shelf. 

• Herre's history of the period 1890-1925 connects to my interest in Germany in the period (stemming from my PhD research), and neatly teases me on my pursuit to find a copy of Pflugk-Harttung's history of the 1815 campaign. Satan knows how to wrap it in gold.

• What Jane Austen knew and Charles Dickens Ate: well, I have this soft spot for 19th century London, but it needs some digging on this blog. This book gives good background on 19th century British (high) society.

• A historical atlas of Polish history: obviously Satan knows I like history. To say I have a soft spot for Poland would be driving it too far, but I definitely have a (private) Polish connection. You have to be Satan to know, though. Scary? Yes, deeply so.

• And to top all this: three series of Ren & Stimpy! That I love them is not a complete secret. But scary? Very much so!

So while these gifts are all beautiful and perfectly chosen, I'm left with that uncomfortable feeling that Satan is, well, all-knowing. And I've got to admit that part of the scary thing is that Satan told me there would be a third package. I must imagine that will contain something related to my childhood, or a lost and forgotten love. I shudder at the thought.

Secret Satan has arrived!

Okay, I know, it's a bit late. But great nonetheless!

The idea started a few years back on Fortress Ameritrash, reversing the Secret Santa concept: send people some shitty stuff they'd really hate (and well, okay then, some good stuff as well). 2012 was a blast and 2013 included some intreagueing stuff as well.

I missed out on last year's edition and was mighty pissed off with that, so I sprung upon this year's. It seems that intercontinental delivery is a pain around christmas these days, because my package hasn't cleared customs in the US yet. Apparently serious backlogs there due to terrorism scares and new rules.

The packages may not contain soiled underpants (#truestory) but definitely some terrible games.

I'm gonna open these tomorrow. Will have a spring in my step all day today.

Secret Satan: The Strike Back!

After all the hurt inflicted on me by the Dark Lord I was overjoyed to see that I'd been able to do similar damage somewhere in SoCal, the imaginary land that is home to Hollywood, Silicon Valley, The Eagles and Charles Manson.

Have a look here.

Secret Satan Has Arrived!

Look what I found under the Christmas Tree today!

With not a little trepidation I removed the paper cover, revealing the dread...

NOOOOOH... not Beowulf! I was haunted by the Curse of the Returning Game! I gave it away a few years back, because.. because... well, because KNIZIA, you know?

Clearly, Satan knows.

Well... at least the rules were included. Not very Secret Satan 2014, but I count my blessings.

Hoping against hope that Satan was pulling a trick on me and just storing a box load of goodness inside, I delved further into Pandora's box...

Well, definitely Beowulf, then. Sigh. But hey, look at that! At least it seemed like there was something to compensate for the hatefulness that is Knizia.

Oh yes! There's a Lupin III comic: Satan knows I love that game! And then there's the Remember Tomorrow near future RPG! Satan knows I love near future RPG! And knows that Remember Tomorrow is the title of the episode of Jonathan Meade's show that I love. Satan is, it bears repeating, a man of wealth and taste. Obviously I haven't been all good this year

But there was also a reminder of the fact that I've been a good guy. Some computer games, showing that Satan knows I never play computer games unless I'm in between jobs or retired. Full Throttle, The Thing, The Unwhispered Word... well, I guess I'll have to be more of an asshole next year.

Which 12 games for 2014?

Okay, if I want to play 12 of my games in this coming year, I had better prepare a shortlist. I will give you a choice from my most recent acquisitions in 2012 and 2013: 

From Essen

Concept

Sigismundus Augustus

(I already played Strajk at the Christmas Offensive 2013, and Rats in the Walls at Essen)

Signum Mortis (Essen 2012)

From Secret Satan

The World Cup Card Game

Ascalion (aka Borderlands, got in 2012)

Mission Red Planet (got in 2012)

Collision

Mag Blast

Scarab Lords

Isle of dr Necreaux

Red November

Lord of the Rings card game (not the CCG)

(I already played Pass the Pigs on New Year’s Eve with the kids. Success.)

Other acquisitions

Warriors & Traders

Mice & Mystics

City of Remnants

Love Letters

Pathfinder card game

and some games on Waterloo or Napoleonic wars

Beyond Waterloo
1815: The Waterloo Campaign
Dresden 20
Napoleonic Wars (GMT)
Wellington (GMT)

Most of these are light games, but others require serious study, so they might not make it in the end.

Which one do you guys think I should try first?

Secret Satan is going soft

I've been a lucky guy over the last couple of years, with some good stuff coming in for Secret Satan, although last year's inclusion of Modern Art hurt pretty bad.

So this year I was worried that Satan might come to collect.

As this seemed to have passed the Saudi customs check, I deemed it safe to open in the presence of children, but still I proceeded carefully.

Satan message was a further indication that he had in fact no bad intentions at all, and so it was revealed...

Six games which indeed put the trash back into Ameritrash! Two of them were picked up by the kids to try as soon as we have the time, ie the game with the piglets (I need to find the rules, but it is a fairly common game, so that should not be a problem) and collision. Bumping cars is always good!

I remember it was fun to play Red November, so that's a great choice too! Mag Blast, the Island of Dr Necraux and Scarab Lords should also be entertaining if not great games.

So thanks Satan!

My Secret Satan of 2012

Well then, returned home today and lots to tell and so little time to tell it. So let's start with this:

One of the joys of Fortress Ameritrash is the annual Secret Satan ritual performed around Christmas. It's similar to Secret Santa, but instead a great way to get rid of the worthless crap you compile through bad buying decisions and unwanted gifts. If you feel a bit sentimental, you might slip in a few nice bits to soften the impact of your satanic evil.

But you also receive a load of junk yourself.  Last year I received a copy of Ascalion, the German version of Borderlands, but also a puzzling cd of country songs performed on a Moog synthesizer. So I was pretty apprehensive of what would befall me this year.

Oh boy, was I glad my package turned up late for Christmas…

This meant I would be on holiday when it arrived and I wouldn’t have to touch it for some time. Who knows what hand Lucifer would’ve dealt me?

So when I got back today, I picked it up at my neighbour’s. There was a bit of a wait at the door, but my apprehension was soon soothed when the old men appeared and happily handed me the package. He seemed in fine feather.

Much relieved I returned home, but decided to take precautions anyway. The box was sealed pretty tightly and I consulted a friend of mine who’s in waste disposal about the best approach. I improvised a hazmat suit.

Better safe than sorry, let´s move this MoFo outdoors

Then on to dissecting the box of doom.

This time Satan had not been beating about the bush. The hate was in my face as I stared at the behind of Reiner Knizia’s Modern Art in a dilapidated version. Many a time have I lamented my knowledge of this game and Satan throws it right back at me and my suboptimal talent for In Die Faust bidding. I left the box there to whither for some time and to let the foul stench wear off.

OH NO!!! I've been Kniziad!

As I returned I decided to dig deeper and removed Knizia´s Bane from the box, revealing a stunning edition of Jodorowsky’s Weapons of the Metabaron, a classic French comic. Of course Satan wouldn’t spare me a treacherous trick, as I lapsed on the series some time ago and have no clue where all this fits in the greater story line.

Puzzle

And still deeper down the box, I found this accursed amulet. Taunting me, Satan obviously despises me for my lack of needling skills. In fact, this proves to be the badge of the Colonial Marines in Aliens! That is awesomely cool! I will become a seamster, no matter how and sew this badge of honour on some fitting sleeve!

Bug Stomper: "We endanger species".

And then to top it all off: a kick in the shins on what first appears a friendly Christmas card…

It proves no such thing

Well, I guess I had that coming….

But then... much later, when I sat down to write this post, I thought of actually opening that box of Pandora, and found that apart from containing the accoutrements to the accursed Modern Art, it also held Mission; Red Planet! It looks almost complete, only missing the rules. But that can be fixed. That makes this year´s haul actually kind of awesome. And Satan rather like a big ol´ soft puss...

This game has been on my 'this must be really cool' list for a few years now

PS if you want to know what I inflicted on an unsuspecting victim, look here